


Don't Cry

by prenumbreon



Category: Dangan Ronpa
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dubious Consent, F/M, Growing Up, M/M, Mental Instability, Suicidal Thoughts, This is an emotional rollercoaster, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:54:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prenumbreon/pseuds/prenumbreon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He kisses you, and you hate it, but you don't resist. You wonder why you never resist. </p>
<p>At some point you try thinking about the smiling, bubbly Komaeda who loved your emerald green crayon, hoping it makes everything better, but it doesn't. It makes your chest tight and throat dry, wracked with guilt." </p>
<p>The progression of Hinata and Komaeda's very unhealthy relationship as they grew up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Cry

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this story doesn't end a miserable mess, trust me. There's some nice, fluffy stuff in here too. My personal comments at the end.

Your name is Hajime Hinata and you are 9 years old.

  
It's just after lunch time, and you're sitting on the playground bawling your eyes out, snot dripping down your chin. Some kid your age and twice your size stole the chocolate chip cookie from your lunch, and socked you in the face when you tried to get it back. Your cheek is turning purple, bruising from the hit. It hurts, you're hungry, and you were really looking forward to eating that cookie.  
  
Another kid comes over, and you can barely see him through your blurry eyes, tears streaming down your face. He asks if you're okay and you tell him _no I'm not, go away._ He doesn't. Instead he wipes your eyes with his sleeve, whispers _don't cry_ and pulls you into a tight hug. Your sobbing turns to sniffles because his hug makes you feel a whole lot better, and you blink out a couple more wet tears until they're gone. He leans back, smiles, and asks if you feel any better. You tell him kind of, but when he hands you a cookie that he must have saved from his lunch, everything is much, much better. It's m&m, and not chocolate chip, but you figure it'll do.  
  
He tells you his name is Nagito Komaeda while you nibble at the dessert, and you decide this person will be your new best friend.  
  
\--  
  
You are 10 years old and starting 4th grade.  
  
The bus picks you up from your stop, and you wave “”goodbye” to your parents and “good morning” to the bus driver. You walk up to the aisle, eyes scanning each and every seat. You find Komaeda about halfway back. He's not your best friend because Naegi is your best friend, and you can only have one best friend, but he's a really good friend. The two of you live nearby; too far to walk, but close enough to ride the same bus.  
  
He's already spotted you walking down the aisle because he's beaming and excitedly patting the space next to him in his seat. He doesn't need to; you wouldn't dare sit anywhere else.  
  
He shows you all of his notebooks and pencils his mom bought the week before. You show him yours in return, and he gasps because your mom bought you the 64 pack of crayons and that is the _coolest_. He asks if he can use them sometime and you say yes _of course_ (but he can't use electric blue because that's your favorite).  
  
The teacher is kind of weird and obsessed with rabbits. You pull a face when she cutely introduces herself as Ms. Usami. You're a big kid now, in the highest grade in your school, and you find her manner of speaking insulting. It's when she tells you that you can sit wherever you want, yes, even right between Naegi and Komaeda, that you decide she's not so bad after all.  
  
When Ms. Usami tells everyone to draw a picture describing themselves, you proudly whip out your crayons. This is the moment you've been waiting for. Naegi stares in disbelief, jaw dropping, because once again that is the _coolest_. You tell him you already know because Komaeda told you that on the bus. He asks if he can use them and you say yes _of course_ (but he can't use the electric blue one because that's your favorite, and he can't use the emerald green one because that's Komaeda's favorite).  
  
You draw a stick figure of yourself surrounded by pictures of all the things you like. You try drawing video games, your favorite foods, and your family. The picture feels incomplete when you stare at it. It isn't until you look over and realize that Komaeda has drawn you in his picture that you quickly scribble down some stick figures of him and Naegi, too. Now it looks right.  
  
Everyone presents their pictures, but Naegi asks if he can present his in a group with you and Komaeda. The teacher thinks its "A wunderfuwl idea" so you all blurt out your introductions, interrupting each other the whole time. You talk about how tasty your favorite foods are, Naegi goes on and on about his precious baby sister, and Komaeda shows off the really good drawing he made of his mom. When you ask why he didn't draw his dad, he simply states that his dad is a poop and doesn't get a drawing. The class laughs, but you, Naegi and Komaeda also have fun, so that's all that matters.  
  
Later on the bus when you're talking with Komaeda about Ms. Usami, he makes the weirdest bucktooth rabbit impression. It makes you both laugh until it's Komaeda's stop, and he has to get off the bus. He waves from outside the window as the bus pulls away. The seat feels really empty now, but you can't wait until tomorrow when you get to do everything all over again.  
  
\--  
  
You are 14 years old and you have just discovered girls  
  
Chiaki is the cutest girl you've ever seen. You sit next to her in pre-algebra near the back of the class. She wears skirts and low-cut shirts and hoodies, and you want to ask her out so bad.  
  
The only problem is that you haven't even talked to her yet.  
  
Well, not really. You asked her what the homework was a week ago, and you asked her what she answered for question number 6 on Monday's quiz. Her answer was way different from yours, and you're pretty sure you aced the quiz because it was easy, so you decide she's probably not terribly good at math. As it turns out, number 6 was the only question you got wrong. You decide that Chiaki is very good at math.  
  
Anyways, you haven't talked to her, not really. But you really want to.  
  
You ask Naegi how to talk to girls because he's been seeing this girl named Maizono. It's obvious that he's doing something right, and you're doing something wrong. He shrugs and tells you to take a deep breath, relax, and just say whatever comes to mind. You thank him and pledge to yourself to talk to Chiaki the next day. Naegi wouldn't give you bad advice.  
  
It was horrible advice and Naegi is stupid and wrong. Class hadn't started yet, so you sat down next to Chiaki as usual. She was prettier than the day before, and reminded you of the gorgeous girls in video games so you hastily blurted out _I like video games do you like video games because we should play video games_. It was shockingly embarrassing because she turned to look at you wide-eyed and _didn't even say anything_. Class started before you could run your mouth some more, which was okay because you didn't want to say anything else. Instead, you put your head on your desk and tried to think about something other than Chiaki's pretty pink hair or her really cute hat with the ears on it.  
  
You come home from school that day and bike straight to Komaeda's house. His parents aren't home, but you go in anyways and complain that girls are stupid, you are stupid, and you are so embarrassed that you absolutely can't go to school tomorrow. He laughs, but it sounds weird like nothing is funny at all. You ask if his mom could make some snacks when she got home, but he gets really quiet and doesn't answer. When you ask where his parents are, he swallows and clenches his fists, but only for a second. Suddenly his smile is back again and he asks what Chiaki is like. You can tell he's changing the subject, but you're really stressed out about Chiaki, so you take the opportunity to gush. It isn't far in the future when you'll wish you didn't let him change the subject.  
  
You go to school the next day anyways, but are surprised to find that Komaeda is absent from your shared history class. You worry only until you're sitting at your desk in pre-algebra, and Chiaki drops a bunch of games in front of you. It's startling, and you nearly fall out of your chair. She looks at you with blank eyes, tells you that these are her favorite games, and that you should play them. You forget to worry about Komaeda because he seems so far away and Chiaki is right in front of you, asking for you to play her favorite games. It's a dream come true, and you tell her _yes, absolutely_ you will play every last game she has brought.  
  
Later that day, you shoot Naegi a quick thank-you text and crack open your backpack. You let all the games Chiaki gave you spill out over the floor and get a good chance to look at them. When you realize that you don't have the correct console for about half of them, you start to get nervous. You text Komaeda, asking if he has a Nintendo 64, but you never get a reply. It hits you about an hour later that Komaeda hadn't shown up for school and you were supposed to be worrying about him. He's probably sick, you figure, and forget about it once again. There are a lot of games to go through, and Ocarina of Time looks like a good start.  
  
Komaeda is at school the next day, but he's different. The green hoodie he always wears open is zipped up all the way closed, his white hair looks messier than usual, and his eyes look red and puffy. He must have gotten the flu. You ask him if he's sick, and he coughs, looks away, won't match your gaze and says a curt, “I guess.” He doesn't say anything else, doesn't want to say anything else, so you leave him alone.  
  
In pre-algebra, you tell Chiaki that Ocarina of time was kind of boring because all you do is collect money. She scoffs and says that you need to make it past the first dungeon before it gets really good. A few days later, you'll begrudgingly admit she was right, but for the moment you deny everything she claims. She writes down her number and instructs you to call her if you get stuck in a game or want to discuss a cool part. You call her right away after school to tell her that Ocarina of Time still sucks, but you mostly call her just to talk, and she'll never know it.  
  
Komaeda doesn't miss school again, but you don't visit his house after school for another week. It's a Friday afternoon and you are ready to party hard (With junk food and staying out past 10:30). Texting him in advance, you tell him that you will come over at exactly 4:00pm because that's when your mom said you could go (After all the chores were done). He sends back a simple **“K”** which is a little odd since Komaeda has always been silly and eccentric with his text messages. This one's a little...plain.  
  
Komaeda opens the door after you ring the bell, but you gasp when you see him. Bandages cover his hands and face, and a nasty bruise is forming on his cheek. You ask him if he's okay and he says _no_ and pulls you inside. He says his parents aren't home right now, but you ignore him and demand to know who did that to him. He remains silent, unwilling to answer, and anger boils within you. It makes you want to shake him, so you do. Grabbing him by the shoulders, looking straight in his eyes, you ask him one more time _who did this_ , He finally admits that it was his dad, who had gotten a little out of control after school. You ask him where his parents are and it feels like déjà vu. This time he answers. His mom is in the hospital, and his dad is there too, but he's there for different reasons. You reach your hands up to hold his bruised face and it makes you want to cry. You tell him you're going to go get your mom and fix everything, but he shakes his head, grabs your arm, and asks you to stay. He runs his hand up until it overlaps with your own and he looks so sad, he looks so broken and you hate yourself-for forgetting about him him for the past week, for not asking further when you knew there was something wrong. Regret bubbles in your stomach and the sensation makes you want to throw up. It shows on your face, and you know it, because Komaeda's face twists up the same way.  
  
Komaeda hugs you and cries, says it all happened so fast and he's worthless trash for standing by and just letting it happen. The tears break out in a flood, like he had been pushing them all back for a long time, and tears spring from your own eyes too, overwhelmed by the situation. You hold him tightly and the two of you just stand in the doorway, sobbing for what feels like an eternity. Your head hurts, Komaeda is shaking like he might fall apart, and it all makes you feel scared and sick.  
  
You start crying worse than he was. He notices, wipes your tears with his bandaged hand, and cups your face. Komaeda presses his lips to yours so gently, like you're made of glass, and rests his head on yours whispering _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry_ like it's a mantra. You wish he wouldn't say that, but you can't bring yourself to tell him not to.  
  
Eventually the two of you move to the couch and talk about your lives for a while. Your faces are still wet, but the tears ease up when the shock isn't so raw anymore. You call your mom, but Komaeda makes you promise not to say anything. You don't, and ask for 30 extra minutes instead.  
  
You don't talk about the kiss; not the next day, not the next week, not ever.  
  
\--  
  
You are 15 years old and Makoto Naegi is a _dick_.  
  
He just ditched you and Komaeda in favor of spending some ~alone time~ with his new girlfriend, Kirigiri. You're coming to the end of your freshman year in high school and this day was really important, dammit. You're starting to wonder if Naegi is moving on from the friend group. It's not the first time he's ditched your plans, and you don't think it'll be the last. He always apologizes, but it still hurts.  
  
The three of you had a group project to work on for Chemistry. It was worth extra credit, and you all desperately needed it. It could have been completed really fast with three people-no worries-but now with just two, and the project being due the next morning...?  
  
To repeat, Makoto Naegi was a dick, and here was Komaeda trying his best to piece together a model out of styrofoam. He had bits of glue and plastic stuck in his hair, but continued on with a determined expression. You laugh when he accidentally stabs himself in the eye with a toothpick, but immediately stop when he starts criticizing himself again.  
  
It was a bad habit Komaeda had picked up over the past year. _Someone like me doesn't have the right to do something so important. I ruin everything, please forgive me, Hinata. I'm despicable, you deserve better than a lowlife like myself._ You always tried assuring him that he was mistaken and being too hard on himself, but it seemed like lately the problem was getting worse. If you didn't watch your words carefully, Komaeda could get triggered and start regressing again.  
  
His mom had set him up with a psychiatrist to work with his negativity and depression. You weren't quite sure it was working, but the appointments made him happy, so you supposed they couldn't be a bad thing. Besides, Junko Enoshima was a highly recommended doctor.  
  
Anyway, the bottom line was that Naegi ditched you for his girlfriend and you were stuck working on a really shitty school project for the next 20, no, 19 hours. At least you had enough decency to turn Chiaki down when she asked to go out to dinner for the night. You didn't really have money for dinner anyway, but it's the thought that counts. Unlike Naegi, you can actually tell your girlfriend "no" once in a while.  
  
Komaeda stops criticizing himself when you pull him into a hug and tell him _stop stop stop its okay, you're fine, you're not worthless, not to me._ He smiles and perks up instantly, returning the hug. He mouths a "thank you" into your neck. You're not sure how you've been able to put up with this for so long. Komaeda is kind of a mess, and it's really quite understandable, but it's tough. You suppose it's because he holds a special place in your heart so you put up with it and leave it at that. It's a weird train of thought to think about for too long.  
  
The project barely gets finished in time, and you haul it into school early to deliver it to the science room. You consider being a good friend and putting Naegi's name on it anyway, but Komaeda tells you not to, so you don't. Later you ask him why and he says that if Naegi was really their friend, he would have worked on it. You don't deny it. He says Naegi is a dick, and you nod because yes, that's exactly what you've been thinking for the past 24 hours.  
  
\--  
  
You are still 15 years old, but you haven't talked to Naegi in a while. You distractedly wonder why.  
  
Komaeda tells you to delete his number from your phone, but you don't. You got over the chemistry project incident ages ago, but apparently Komaeda is still really bitter about it. You try and remind him that Naegi is still a really good person at heart, but he doesn't believe you. He says that you are the only truly good person in this world, and at first it makes you really happy, but when you think about his words later that night it makes you restless and you don't sleep.  
  
When you finally talk to Naegi again, you're indescribably relieved. You catch up, talking about what he's been up to over the past weeks and share a couple good laughs. He's pretty serious about Kirigiri, and you actually think the way he blushes about it is pretty endearing. When you bring up Komaeda, Naegi freezes and goes quiet. He admits that Komaeda has made him really uncomfortable recently. You laugh and offer talking to Komaeda about it, but he seizes your arm, panic written across his face. He makes you promise to never repeat what he's said to Komaeda. You initially think it's a joke. However, Naegi's expression doesn't waver, and you frown. You're not sure how that makes you feel, but you find yourself agreeing to the promise.  
  
\--  
  
Your name is Hajime Hinata, you are 16 years old, and things _are all wrong_.  
  
Chiaki has unexpectedly dumped you, and you cannot get in touch with Naegi no matter how many times you try calling him.  
  
Komaeda is at your house, consoling you from your break up. He's smiling this very airy smile and rubbing your back as you cry a little bit. Not a lot, but just a little bit.  
  
Chiaki was really special. You really thought you were going to spend a lot of years with her-or at least continue to be high school sweethearts. It's a sappy thought, but you don't care because you really felt that way. She had barely even given a good reason for the breakup, claiming she just needed space. The excuse was ridiculous, quite frankly, because you had barely spent any time with her over the past couple weeks anyway. You had been holed up with projects, tests, and studying. There was no free time for anything. The only thing that kept you sane was Komaeda's frequent visits with homemade food. He had been practicing cooking at home because his mother was gone all the time for hospital check-ups, and he had gotten really damn good at it. At this rate, you were going to be spoiled from his amazing cooking.  
  
That was another thing. Everything kept coming back to Komaeda. You felt like everything was weirdly revolving around him because he was either around you or in your thoughts and it was a little disorienting.  
  
Komaeda hugs you from behind as you choke out a particularly rough sob. Your emotions are a mess, so when he kisses your neck and tells you everything will be okay, you believe him because he's the only one who's around and the only one who cares. Chiaki's gone, Naegi won't answer his phone, and it makes your heart hurt. You tell him that. He slowly shifts around so that he's facing you, tilts your chin up and presses his lips firmly to yours. This time he doesn't kiss you like you're delicate glass, he kisses you like you're a drug, like he needs it, like you need it, and you believe him. He presses, pushes you back and holds you down against the floor, and you want to move, press back, _something_ , but he doesn't let you. His needy kisses become possessive, and soon he's sucking at your lips, pressing with his tongue, and it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right at all, so you push against him, hard with your hand against his chest, and he falls backwards with a tumble. You gasp for air, suddenly out of breath, and you hear him laugh. It's sounds weird like nothing is funny. In fact, it's chilling. He says he's shameful for thinking he could do something like that. That he doesn't deserve to touch you like that. You see tears pooling at his eyes, and it makes your chest hurt more than it did before.  
  
You realize Komaeda is your only friend, your last friend, your best friend, and you would rather die than see him suffer any more. You push back thoughts that warn you how Komaeda has changed, and you crawl towards him. You reach out a hand towards his face, cupping his cheek tenderly. You initiate one more kiss, short and chaste, and you tell him _it's okay_. He hugs you back and reminds you that you are indeed the only good thing in his life. It hurts to hear, but at least Komaeda doesn't cry.  
  
\--  
  
You are 17 years old and your boyfriend has just sent you at least 12 messages and 3 voicemails.  
  
You roll your eyes and sigh. Chiaki is sitting with you in front of your tv. She either doesn't hear your phone buzzing, or doesn't comment on it because she is locked into this round of Call of Duty, and you are getting your ass handed to you. When time is up, you drop your controller and throw your hands up in the air in defeat. It wouldn't matter how many rounds you played because this girl is just _too fucking good at gaming_.  
  
Defeated, you finally resolve to call Komaeda back. He picks up after the first ring, and his voice is shaking like he's having a breakdown. He asks you to come over as fast as you can, so you hang up, apologize to Chiaki, and drive over to Komaeda's as fast as your mom's 1998 Saturn will go. You arrive breathless at his doorstep and he opens the door before you even have a chance to ring the bell. Komaeda is pale, deathly pale, and you hug him and tell him to go back inside. You follow him up to his room, and it's a mess. Papers and other objects have been scattered all across the room. You sit on his bed and he starts up with his negative self-criticisms before you can get one word out.  
  
This is by far the worst Komaeda has ever been, and he rambles on until he starts contemplating the joy he would bring everyone if he was dead.  
  
Something snaps in you, something fragile and deep, and all you can feel is anger. You feel enraged and ashamed that Komaeda would think of throwing away the life you had worked so hard to protect. Before you can think otherwise, you stand up and grab him around the collar, yanking him to look at your face. His face changes instantly from despair to smiles and he's pleading, begging, _yes, yes, that's a good look Hinata. You're finally looking at me like the worthless trash I am_. He kisses you, and you hate it, but you don't resist. You wonder why you never resist.  
  
He tells you to fuck him and you say no, but he laughs and threatens to kill himself if you don't. You panic, and the last bit of sanity you have breaks, so you kiss him like he wants you to. His lips are chapped, so you bite them; your teeth clack with his, so you lick inside his mouth, hot and wet, meld your lips together until he's breathing you and you're breathing him and it's suffocating.  
  
You don't know what to do because no one prepared you for a situation like this. The two of you don't make love, it's sex, raw and dirty that night, and it's because you can't bare the consequences of what would happen otherwise. You don't want to think about “what if”. At some point you try thinking about the smiling, bubbly Komaeda who loved your emerald green crayon, hoping it makes everything better, but it doesn't. It makes your chest tight and throat dry, wracked with guilt. You blame yourself for the suicidal, mental basket case that leaves angry red marks down your back and moans when you bite him, bruising every inch of his pale, pale skin.  
  
You feel like a monster the next morning when you look down and see Komaeda's bruised and bloody form wrapped around you as he sleeps. There's nothing but regret and shame in the pit of your stomach, and you hate it. You think about your best friend, Komaeda, when you were 10, and your body convulses, wracks out an ugly sob. You hate this.  
  
\--  
  
You're 18 years old and you finally figure it out.  
  
You open Komaeda's phone and look through the contact list while he sleeps naked, peacefully next to you in your bed. Your eyes widen in surprise when you see Junko Enoshima is the first contact on speed dial. Komaeda's mother had canceled all his appointments over a year ago. There is one call each day received from her number, no more, no less. You check Komaeda's message inbox, looking for her name. Sure enough, it's there, and every message is dark and horrifying enough to make any sane person despair. On impulse, and in a flurry of rage, you call the number from his phone. A woman picks up and begins speaking, automatically assuming Komaeda had picked up. You interrupt her, informing her dangerously that Komaeda is no longer in need of her services, hanging up before she can respond. Turning off the phone, you tuck it in your bedside drawer. You laugh and put your head in your hands. You can still save Komaeda. There's hope. You can fix this.  
  
\--  
  
You're still 18 years old, but you're working fast to make things change. Nagito Komaeda is lucky. Extremely lucky.

You finally get a hold of Naegi and tell him what's been going on. You considered telling Chiaki, but in the end you decide Naegi deserves to know the truth and you still trust him. He listens patiently as you rattle off a scrappy, insufficient recap of the past two years. There's a long pause when you finish, but he finally speaks on the other end of the line. He tells you to have hope, that he's going to look into something. You tell him you trust him, and he hangs up.

It turns out Naegi's girlfriend is one hell of a detective. She looks into Junko Enoshima's patient history and uncovers all of the backwards treatments she had been suspected by officials of. Apparently, she had gone on the run after turning her own sister into a mental mess. The woman had used the same treatments on Komaeda. Kirigiri tells you that it's, for the most part, reversible, but you need to get started right away.

You drop everything and dedicate yourself to Komaeda. However, this time it's for the right reasons, and you remind yourself of that every time he relapses and gets violent. Naegi comes over a lot to help, and the two of you are an incredible force against his mental state. The therapy is a slow process, but you believe in your heart of hearts that somehow it will make an impact.

There's nothing in the world you want more than to make him happy again. You know this isn't the Komaeda you became friends with. Your Komaeda is still in there, deep inside, and a lot of days you wish you could just erase all those years that hurt him. You think about the good times and the okay times, but avoid thinking about the bad times. When you think about all the times you sacrificed your sanity for this _stupid, lovely boy_ , you start to breath heavily, gasping on air. Naegi always keeps you grounded at these times. He tells you this isn't just Komaeda's recovery; it's your recovery too.

When Komaeda finally has a breakthrough, you want to cry. Not because your sad, but because for once in your life you are so overcome with happiness that you have no other way to express it. He smiles and it doesn't feel twisted, hugs you and it doesn't feel wrong. When he kisses you again, you sigh into his mouth, filled with bliss because for once you don't hate it, you _love_ it. You soak in the mind-numbing sensation, for once it's not suffocating, and you feel like you can finally come up for air.

One day when you're lying face-to-face, stroking his soft, messy white hair, he tells you he loves you, and you believe him. Not because you have to, but because it feels right. The words naturally slip off your tongue when you tell him you feel the same because this, this is the special boy all those years ago who gave you his cookie and stole a special place in your heart. Your face twists up, not in pain, but in joy, and Komaeda pulls you close and whispers _don't cry_. You do anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like Hinata and Komaeda have a very unusual relationship that would allow for this situation to fold out. It's one of the weird appeals of this ship. Seriously though, this is meant to be a really really unhealthy relationship; that's the point. There's some pretty dangerous stuff up there.
> 
> As always, thank you so much, I love you for reading my fic. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (oh that's a little weird in this situation...)


End file.
